The big move

and other life updates

How many months has it been since I wrote to you last? I can’t even remember now. Since the last time we spoke many a change has occurred. A quick summary and then we move onto reflections shall we?

I moved to Singapore(!) The brackets in that sentence represent my constant changing mood about the move. I worked hard to be able to do this. Not hard in the typical sense of late nights, sleepless mornings, loads of coffee, etc, etc. But more so internally. Figuring out what I actually like doing. What I actually feel passionate about. And then building the courage to finally take the leap. It did take courage, a lot of it. In the few weeks leading upto my flight here, I was showered with love. I mean showered. Love was coming out of nooks and crannies I had never looked at before. And then it made me think: is this really worth leaving behind?

All 27 years of my life I had spent in that one city. 11 years of that I had spent learning, performing and teaching in one dance institute. The institute was my home away from home. There has not been a single day in the last 11 years that I didn’t want to be there. But I realised last year that I had gotten too comfortable there. It had really become home. And at home you don’t need to prove yourself, you are accepted as you are. At home you don’t have to run a race, you don’t have to improve, you don’t have to grow. I had stopped growing. And I needed a change.

On one of the last days at the institute I asked myself; is this really worth leaving behind? The answer was yes. Not because it was “worth” leaving behind. But because I could leave it and return. Home is like that. The doors never shut.

Now I’m here. Three months in. Life is relatively predictable apart from the odd cockroach in the sink. The buses run on time, the metro runs on time, the classes run on time. I really can reach from point A to point B in less time than google maps tells me—if you are from Bangalore you will know that is witchcraft. I am now a domestic goddess. I can cook and clean in less than two hours—I made such good chicken the day before that I shocked myself.

On most days I am too busy to think of anything else. And if I am not busy, then my need for sleep trumps all thoughts. I am reading voraciously not out of my own volition. I am getting used to the city’s blazing ACs and shrivelling heat. I love the food. I mean it. I would take all of this back with me. But there is something missing. I suppose when moving away from home, there always is.

I miss my dance. I miss having small milestones to work towards—a performance, an exam, a showcase, an experiment. My practice is not my priority at the moment and that took a while to admit. For the last 5 years it has been all I have wanted to think about. And now, recaliberating life has been harder than I would like to admit.

Living life away from home gets lonely all of a sudden. You crave the familiarity of home, the privilege of feeling things without describing them, of being supported with no explanation. Life away from home requires a lot more communication. A lot more words. A lot more trips to the supermarket. A lot more energy. A lot more sleep.

I am constantly tired and constantly thinking about the next meal. Somedays my rotis turn out harder than others. The rice is mushy and the dal is burnt. Sometimes it is too hot to function and yet I trudge my laptop through the sun to get to the next class.

But a lot of the times it feels surreal. That I am living the life I worked hard for. That I am stimulated, busy, experiencing new things, new tastes, new opinions all at once. Sometimes I realise that it really is so easy to get a bus on time. To get good food easily. To be able to clean my room, make my bed, and feel a hundred times better than I did before it. Sometimes I realise that it really is a big deal, to be able to do all of this. Then I think of my parents. No longer missing them as much. But feeling more gratitude for them than my heart can hold. Man, they really worked so very hard.

So yes, I moved to Singapore. I am a chopstick queen and a domestic goddess. I make really good chicken and mediocre dal. My stamina has dropped since the last time I spoke to you. My muscle mass has reduced and I am unsure of my dancing skills at the moment. But I walk a lot more than I used to. I am no longer scared of pressure cookers and I love washing my clothes. I am also getting very educated and will soon be holding a degree and a thesis in my hand which will be a result of my effort. And all of this, all of what you have read, is a result of my parent’s effort so don’t look at me. Look at them. They are the real stars.